The Adventures of Sleeping Nick
by Newgirlystuff
Summary: What happens in the loft, stays in the loft. Parody one-shots rating from T to M.
1. Chapter 1

**A Collab Fic by callmelauramiller, zooeyslaychanel, whatsmypogo, newgirlystuff, youcantmakeme, and DreamsOfSleep. All of us on Tumblr!**

 **Be forewarned: This is a ridiculous fic. I left all the WTF? plot points in and only lightly edited it for clarity. Read at your own peril.**

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Jess knocked on Nick's door. He doesn't feel like getting up, but he answers anyway. He opens the door and stares into her big blue eyes.

"Hey, Jess."

"Nick?" she says, her voice barely above a whisper. "I need your help."

"Sure, Jess. Whatever you need. How can I help?" he says with a low voice.

"I have a problem," she whispers. "A sex problem…"

Nick felt his heart skip a beat as he froze dead still in his shoes. "A what problem?"

Jess feels herself turning red. "A sex problem," she says, embarrassed now. "Can you help me?"

Nick starts to sweat. He's trembling. He doesn't want to get ahead of himself so he decides not to unzip his pants just yet. He shakes his head, pushing his steamy thoughts aside and gulping loudly. "Help you? Jess, did you get hit on the head again?"

Taking a deep breath, Jess decides to be honest. "No, Nick, I didn't. I'm just tired of not doing the things I really want to do. The things I need to do," she says with a hoarse voice.

She puts her hand on his chest. "You were right about Sam." Her eyes flick up to meet his.

Nick only ever imagined something like this happening and it took every ounce of his willpower to not take her up against the door right in that moment. But he had to be careful this time around. No rushing it.

"Right about Sam? What do you mean, Jess?" Nick asks unsure of the entire situation. He feels like he's dreaming.

Jess puts her arms around his neck. She slowly looks up with a serious seductive look in her eyes. "Nick…I need some vitamin D."

Nick doesn't want to question it anymore. He runs his fingers through her hair and brushes his hand across her cheek. He gulps, "Okay, Jess."

He snakes his arms around her waist and pulls her to him. Her little gasp of surprise is swallowed by his lips suddenly pressing against hers. He spins her to the wall of his bedroom, pressing his body against hers. He can feel the heat that comes from her whole body and presses his lips even harder to hers, with one hand on the back of her neck and the other one on her waist.

The walls of his room are melting like a Salvador Dali painting so Nick knows this is a dream. Dream Jess is now wearing a sexy red lingerie number instead of the demure yellow sundress she was wearing just a few minutes ago. This would only happen in a dream. A wild Schmidt appears.

The towel is loosely draped around his hips, but not loose enough for Jess to not catch the immediate bulge forming underneath it. Jess steps up to him even closer than she was before, one hand on the back of his neck and the other one tracing down his torso towards the towel.

Nick feels paralyzed. He can't move. Jess reaches his towel and pulls it away revealing a HUGE HARD DICK. Jess gasps. It's larger than she remembered but just as stately as ever. She's excited and nervous all at the same time.

She looks deep into Nick's eyes but suddenly feels strong hands rubbing her shoulders. She realizes Schmidt is here to play. She turns her head to Schmidt and smiles at him, feeling Nick tightening his grasp on her hips possessively. Turning back around to him, she caresses his cheek and leans up to kiss him, unable to stop the moan from escaping her as he grunts and kisses her harder. Nick starts to caress Jess' breasts and kisses her neck. Jess moans and says, "C'mon Nick...It's fun to share." When Schmidt hears that, he starts to kiss Jess' shoulders.

"Nope, not happening…Get out of here, Schmidt! This is my dream."

"I'm disappointed in you, Nicholas. I'm part of this too, you know."

Nick took a step back from Jess and grabbed Schmidt's arm. He started dragging him towards the door when he heard Jess gasp. "No way can I handle all this dick."

Nick turned and couldn't help the yelp that left his lips. "Sexy Towel Schmidt" had now become 'Schmidts' with three exact clones making their way towards Jess. Standing in the room with four Schmidts and only one Jess, Nick realized this was not a dream, but more of his nightmare. He tried to block out the Schmidts and focus on Jess again. He loves Schmidt but not in THAT way. He turns around and is shOOOOOOOK to find out that all four Schmidts are now doing Jess.

Determined to take the reins of his own dream, he storms towards his bed. Grabbing Dream Jess' hand, he yanks her away from the Schmidts and runs to her bedroom, locking the door closed behind them and sighing in relief when he turns around to only one Jess.

"Fuck, Jess, I'm sorry," he says, his eyes scanning her scantily clad body. "Are you OK?" he asks her, worry transforming into wonder as she reaches behind her and unhooks her bra, letting it fall to the floor.

"Well, of course, Nicholas." Determined to make him forget the whole thing, Jess starts to kiss Nick again and puts her hand on his chest, speaking softly into his ear. "It's just us now. What do you want to do?"

Before Nick can answer, Pepperwood knocks down the bedroom door.

"If you're done fucking my wife, put on some damn pants and let's go fight some zombies."


	2. Chapter 2

**Written by: dreamsofsleepingin, fangirlingwithjen, zooeyslaychanell, youcantmakeme, msachsen, stephann1232, whatsmypogo, and newgirlystuff**

 **Dedicated to Laura (callmelauramiller): We missed you, you crazy koala! See you on the next round.**

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The three of them are walking across the landscape of post-apocalyptic LA. Dream Jess is still half-naked in that red lingerie number. Nick wants to reach over to hold her hand but Pepperwood is in between them already doing that. _Fuck that guy_ , Nick thinks. He can't even be with Jess in his dreams without his brain self-sabotaging himself.

 _He reaches through Pepperwood's body to hold Jess' hand_. _His hand is now covered in blood and internal organs but he's happy._

He shakes his mind awake from that little gory thought that had entered his brain. He still wants to go for Jess' hand. Nick subtly tries to move closer towards Jess and tries to get a hold of her other hand. He manages to reach for her pinky with his thumb. It wasn't as subtle as he had hoped. Jess seems okay with it though.

The situation is getting a little weirder than Jess likes. Zombies are one thing…but Nick and Pepperwood together are too much for her to handle. She has mixed feelings about them, so she decides to walk alone behind them.

Suddenly Nick and Pepperwood are walking next to each other, Jess behind them. Nick and Pepperwood's eyes meet and they're shocked at what they see. All of their eyes become fixated on a golden box. Jess being her bubbly self says, "Ooh, let's go see what's inside!" But Nick and Pepperwood both hold her back before she can get close to it.

Nick has had enough, between the zombies and Pepperwood and this mystery box he was done with this shit. He gathered his courage and demanded they head to The Griffin. "Take the damn box with you if you want, Jess, but I'm not walking around these streets anymore."

Jess pouts at him, but grabs for the box anyway. "You're such a spoilsport, Miller." She winks at him. "Isn't he, Mr. Pepperwood?" she asks, grinning when she hears Nick's grumble.

"You can call me, Julius, doll," he responds and Nick glares daggers at him. _Buddy better watch himself if he knows what's good for him._

"Okay, Julius-Doll," she says, winking at him. It's a small victory for Nick — Pepperwood, however, seems to take it as a flirtation rather than a clear sign that she is not attracted to him at all.

Nick suddenly feels more confident because of that snarky comment to "Julius-Doll." His adrenaline takes over. He reaches for her arm and then gets a good hold of her hand. Jess accepts his rather kinda aggressive move, grabbing his hand back but continuing to play around with that gold box she has in her other hand. It makes a strange sound when she shakes it.

The walk to the bar is painfully uncomfortable with Julius trying to get Jess' attention and Nick trying to not let Jess look at Julius. Meanwhile, the box goes from making loud noises to just vibrating uncontrollably. Jess starts to get really worried once the box starts to feel hot. It suddenly becomes so hot that she had to drop it on the floor.

"Aaaah… that damn box just burnt my hands," Jess says. Nick takes her hands in his to look at them. Julius just grabs the box like it's nothing and opens it.

Inside the box is a key - a golden key. Jess takes it out and holds it in her hand. "What's this for?" she asks both Nick and Pepperwood. They both have a confused look on their faces. Jess shrugs and starts walking into the bar followed by the two men. Sitting at the far end of the bar is an old man dressed in a red hoodie, looking really grumpy. He reminds her of someone...Nick! It's Future Nick! Jess runs towards him, the key in her hand.

"Hey, buddy, do you know who's responsible for this?" she exclaims, holding the key in front of him and shaking it.

Future Nick stands up, looks her in the eyes, and says, "You'll find out." He gallops away fast.

Pepperwood sits down next to Jess and takes the key in his hand. They examine it together but Nick knows it's just an excuse for him to be close to her. He shakes his head and frowns. He's starting to feel like he's lost all control.

Nick walks up to them, purposely sitting between them and letting a satisfied grin cross his face when Pepperwood grunts. Jess smiles at him. He sighs, "You know, Jess, that beautiful head of yours always manages to get me into trouble."

She looks up at him surprised but his eyes smile at her and she laughs softly. "What do you think it is, Nick?"

Before he can answer, a cat jumps to sit on the table. The cat looks at them expectantly. "Bet he knows," says Pepperwood.

Nick approaches it, and strokes the pussy gently with his fingers. Furguson purrs and cuddles up to Nick's lap. Jess is being distracted by the cute pussy. She puts her head down to kiss the cute cat. Suddenly, the cat gets scared of Jess' big blue eyes and jumps off Nick's lap, leaving Jess' head in a very weird position. Pepperwood tries to ignore the awkward situation.

Nick looks awkwardly at Jess, who is now in the color of a tomato. "You know," Nick says, "If that's what you wanted to do all you had to do was tell me. Didn't need to scare the poor cat." They both laugh and stare into each other's eyes…then lips…then eyes again.

Pepperwood coughs to make his presence known again. "That's no way to talk to a lady." He grabs Jess's hand and softly kisses it. "Especially one as beautiful as she is."

Jess' eyes dart between Nick and Pepperwood. She's confused and she has all sorts of feelings inside. She really felt that she and Nick had a connection but when Pepperwood kissed her hand just now...she shivers and opens her mouth to say something but nothing comes out.

Nick's eyes have turned pitch black. He blinks and the table is gone and they're standing in the middle of the empty bar. He moves closer to Pepperwood until he's up in his face. "If you touch her like that one more time, man, I'm gonna punch you in a place down under."

Pepperwood looks at him and smiles. "Okay, try me. I'm sure you wouldn't do that in front of this little 'ol lady here, right?"

Nick thinks for a second and gulps. He steps forward. He looks at Jess' wild eyes and punches Pepperwood square in the face.

"NICK!" Jess screeches. "Why did you do that?" she yells at him, crouching next to Pepperwood. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Ugh, now Dream Jess is mad at him. "He was being a jerk, Jess. Why'd you let him touch you like that?" She liked Pepperwood touching her like that and that makes him irrationally angry, even if this is just a dream.

"Nick, pull your head out of your arse," Jess says, and the moment she says that, he realises that his head is indeed up his butt. It's dark. He pulls it out in discomfort to find Jess with her arms crossed. Then he realises that his pants are getting wet; he's wet himself.

"NICK!" A loud door slam wakes him up out of his very strange dream…Or should he say nightmare?

"W-what..?!" Nick asks sleepily to the yelling girlvoice in his room. He tries to open his eyes. He sees a vague but sexy figure walking towards his bed.

"Nick, wake up! You promised date night! And I made you choose between sex or _Sex and the City: The Movie._ Your answer was very clear this afternoon! Now kiss me."

Jess starts to kiss Nick and realizes he's not kissing her back properly. "What's wrong, Nick?"

He stares at her for a while and says, "I just had the most weirdly long dream. You were there. And Schmidt. Something about a towel…and zombies…I punched a guy because he was hitting on you…and there was that key that…"

Jess interrupts. "Wow! You punched a guy because of me?" "Well, yeah… he was hitting on you in front of me. Couldn't let that happen."

With fire in her eyes, Jess throws herself at Nick "Just kiss me."

The kisses become more and more demanding and they start tearing at each other's clothes. Before they know it, they're fully naked. Nick's hands are all over Jess' body. He lifts her up and sets her down on the desk. He continues kissing her neck, her beautiful breasts, focuses on the most sensitive spot on her neck. Suddenly the door opens and Schmidt barges in. "NICK, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT USING MY HAIR CHUT-EN-EY? What is happening in here, what...?"

Nick and Jess both look up and scream simultaneously, "GET OUT, SCHMIDT!" He's all razzle-dazzled from what he just saw so he scurries out like a little mouse.

Nick and Jess look back at each other and Nick says flirtatiously, "Now where were we?" Jess smiles at him and they start kissing again, tongues down each other's throats. Then the door squeaks and Winston comes in.

"Nick! Oh hey, Jess. Nick, some guy in a trench coat with a black eye is at the door for you," Winston says, completely oblivious to what he is interrupting.

"We'll be right there, buddy," he says. Looking them up and down, Winston shrugs and closes the door. Nick sighs, _Pepperwood again,_ he thinks, and pulls away from Jess. _I just can't win, man..._

Just as he's about to turn away from Jess, her hands snake around his neck. "Hey, Nick?" she says. There's that playful glint in her eyes again. "I'm sure whoever that is can wait a little longer…"

The most beautiful gasp escapes her just as his lips close over hers. And just like that, Nick's reality felt perfect again.

* * *

 **Note: Urine in dreams is relatively common. It signifies that you are feeling your ego is being challenged as well as your pride. Dreaming of urine in general means that your life is going out of control in some way. Source: dream-dictionary/urine**


	3. Rendezvouz Point (Part 1 of 2)

**AKA Dark and Stormy**

 **This is part one of two! Written by: dreamsofsleepingin, newgirlystuff, msachsen, youcantmakeme, callmelauramiller, zooeyslaychanell, and whatsmypogo, all of us on Tumblr.**

* * *

Pepperwood doesn't know why she told him to meet her way the hell out here. It's rainy and miserable. He watches as her car pulls over and she steps out of it, her face lighting up when she sees him. She walks towards him and he pulls away from the wall, his hands in his pockets as he watches her make her way to him.

"Hey," she says to him, smiling slightly. "You called..?"

Pepperwood quickly pulls her towards him- he saw something in the corner of his eye that quickly disappeared the moment Jessica Night got out of the car.

Jessica looks at him with a frown on her face. "What are y-"

Pepperwood puts his hand over her mouth and whispers, "Not now. I don't know why you wanted to meet me out here, but we're not alone. It's not safe."

Jessica freezes at those words. Her heart is racing, but she doesn't know if it's because of the danger or because of the smell of Pepperwood so close to her.

He grabbed her hand in his and held it to his chest. "You trust me, don't you, Night?" She managed to give off a subtle nod as her eyes remained fixated on his stubble-free cheeks.

"I could ask you the same question," she responds back. "Do you trust me?"

"Trust you?" Pepperwood scoffs, mock-seriously. "After what you did to me last night in bed?"

"You KNOW you liked it. It's okay to admit you did," Jessica said teasingly.

Suddenly, Pepperwood grabs Jessica's arm and pulls her closer, covering her mouth. "SSSHHHH...Close your eyes, close your mouth! He's here."

He pushes the door open to the abandoned building behind them. They rush inside. "We'll be safe for the moment in here," Pepperwood assures her. He flicks on the light and looks up at her. Her white blouse is clinging to her soft, wet skin. Her makeup is running and her hair is damp, but damn is she still the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. He's always bringing her into danger but she would follow him anywhere. He brushes a strand of wet hair out of her face. "I should have asked you to marry me you know," he whispers to her. "I don't know why I didn't."

She swallows hard and her eyes fix on his. She's about to say something when a loud bang interrupts her.

"Come on," he whispers to her, his hand on her back ushering her through the abandoned space.

"Julius," she says, as he guides them. They find themselves at the bottom of an old spiral staircase. Pepperwood casts a glance at Jessica who catches her breath before she nods at him. They start climbing the rusty old steps when suddenly they hear a dog barking. It's coming closer and Pepperwood and Jessica pick up speed, running away from the sound.

Upstairs they find a door with more stairs leading to the attic of the building. They go over and make a barricade with an old shelf they find.

"Do you think we'll be safe here?" Jessica asks.

"Not for long, but maybe enough to get help."

"Well...I guess we'll be standing here waiting in the meantime," Jessica says, staring at Pepperwood, who has a lump in his throat and an itch on the underside of his body.

"Jessica…" he breathed out. He took a step forward and it didn't take her more than a second to realise what he was doing.

"No, Pepper- I mean...Julius, wait." It took every ounce of strength she had to not jump him right there and then, but he's always doing this, kissing her because he doesn't want to talk about feelings. "What you said before...about marrying me...you can't just say that and -" She was interrupted as his lips found her. "I mean it Julius!" She pushed him back a step as her eyes fell serious upon his. "You can't keep saying things like that and then just running away like the words never left your lips."

Julius pulled back and let Jessica ride out her confusion. He knew she deserved better, that she deserved real answers. But he's never been good at talking about his feelings when they aren't dressed up in killer one-liners. Being silent doesn't really help the situation either, as Jessica's confusion face turns into her angry face.

"You said you should've proposed. Why didn't you!?" she asked staring right into his eyes. "I'm honestly so done if you're not going to be upfront with me right now." Her voice keeps rising in volume and she forgets they're trying to be quiet. "JULIUS!" she whisper-yelled. Julius can't seem to unfreeze and before he knows it Jessica goes to open the door and go downstairs again.

"Jessica, wait!" Julius whispered harshly. He chased after her. His muddled thoughts were silenced by the loud sounds of gunfire.

 _Damn, that woman can move. Where is she?_ He doesn't hear the sound of returning gunfire. _Does she have her gun on her?_ He's searching the warehouse but he can't find her.

His eyes scan the area desperately and he spots her rounding the corner, only a few steps ahead of him. Squinting his eyes in the dark, he sprints after her and grabs her arm, pulling her to him and silencing her scared scream by placing his hand over her mouth. He wraps himself around her body and they collapse backwards together colliding with the wall. Her features go from scared to annoyed when she sees his face.

"Damn it, Jess," he growls at her, looking over his shoulder to make sure they're still alone. "Don't ever run away from me again." He can't help the pleading tone that slips into his voice, and he watches her eyes soften.

Standing so close that they can feel each other's body heat, Pepperwood can't take it any longer and he crashes his lips on hers. Stunned, her first instinct is to push him away from her, but Pepperwood pulls her back into his arms and her resistance weakens.

"Just so you know, I'm still mad at you," Jessica manages to whisper between the moans that slip through her mouth.

"Mmm…" Pepperwood groans out while he kisses his way down her neck and starts pulling off her shirt.

Consumed with passion, they forget where they are and that they should be hiding again. Their kisses become more powerful and intense. Julius' hands are all over her body. "You must be cold in those wet clothes…" he says.

"Warm me up, Julius," she whispers against his mouth.

When he is about to take her shirt off the rest of the way, they both jump when they hear a familiar voice. "Sorry to interrupt your private party, but you and I have a score to settle, Pepperwood."

Pepperwood's eyes squeezed shut in realisation as he turned slowly around to see none other than his arch nemesis leaning comfortably against the solid concrete wall behind them. "My oh my, Julius! How nice of you to bring a friend!"

"Still haven't gotten yourself a shirt eh, Schmidth?" Pepperwood allowed his eyes to scan the particularly muscular, musky vampire skin of the figure in front of him. He shifts defensively to interfere with Schmidth's intense stare at Jessica, who stood frozen behind him.

"No shirt, but do you like the new towel?"

Schmidth makes his way towards Julius and Jessica. They have both let go of each other and are prepared for whatever is about to go down, whatever that may be.

"I thought I told you to never, ever come near me and Jessica again, Schmidth," Julius growls out menacingly.

"You told me a lot of things, JULIUS," Schmidth said, mocking the way Julius tried to sound intimidating.

Julius rolls his eyes at him and in that split second, Schmidth grabbed Jessica, throwing her over his shoulder, and ran.

Pepperwood chases them out of the building and into the rain. Schmidth slips and sends Jessica tumbling to the ground. She rises and pulls a gun from her stocking. "So help me God, Schmidth, you better choose your next move wisely because we both know I never miss."


End file.
